Numb
by JohnnysTuffMustangs
Summary: Prince Zuko struggles to find the acceptance he never earned with his father. He's afraid of the one thing he longs for: love.


**I fail hopelessly when I try to write one-shots, so this will be split up into several chapters. An audience always encourages me to keep reading, so I'm completely honored that you're here, right now, reading this!**

**Please review! Let me know if there's anything you think I should work on. I'm constantly trying to better my writing, and any advice would be greatly appreciated. **

**And of course, I like hearing praise, as anyone.**

**Also, I do promise that this will be a Zukaang fic, very soon. Aang doesn't make much of an appearance in this particular part, but this fic will focus on their relationship.**

**Enjoy!**

Prince Zuko was shaking. He couldn't remember how he had feigned strength in the face of his father. His hands and legs did well not to betray his nerves as he held up the blades against the defenseless Firelord only moments before; he knew that any strike he made would be weak, and if what he had come to say didn't come out soon, the words would be lost as he ran away, like the coward he was, from the nightmare that haunted him since he was a child.

"Coming Zu-zu?" The voice startled him; wasn't Azula meant to keep the Avatar at bay, should he come (which, Zuko knew he would, though the rest of the council had thought him gone)? How he wished that job had fallen to him now. How he wished he had spoken up at the meeting. But no, never would he speak out of turn again.

"No, go on. I must talk with Father." Azula studied the boy, and he forced his limbs to be still once again. His sister was clever. She was sure to pick up on his unusual shivering. But, as a vulnerable child must do in the face of a calculating and cruel family, Zuko learned to control his emotions. _Show her no weakness_, he remembered his father telling him again and again during training, as Azula had him pinned to the ground, his dull fireballs burnt out and frizzled while she channeled his power to repeatedly burn him. Before long, the advice paid off, and she no longer had the satisfaction of seeing her brother's golden eyes weaken with pain.

"He's not going to be happy with you, you know," she cooed with a smile, accepting his deceit. "The Avatar is alive. You have failed our nation again." The girl leaned closer to her brother, forcing him to back into the wall behind him, but he stood his ground, not looking her in the eye and working to control his breathing. "You better be careful. It's unfortunate he couldn't find out during the eclipse, isn't it? With his bending back, he might just be angry enough to even out your face."

Zuko's fists, though still by his side, filled with flames, his temper gaining control of his body. "Get out of here, Azula."

She laughed and took a step backwards. "And your hair just started growing back, too. It's a shame, really. Mai's going to be so upset when she realizes she has nothing left to look at."

With a grunt, the flames from Zuko's fists were flying out, looking for their target, but she was already gone, down the tunnel, her mocking laughter echoing through the prince's head.

He stood there for a moment longer, thinking. She was right. _If he sees me again, I'll be lucky to get out with only a scar._ Absent-mindedly, he began tracing the one that hugged the left side of his face. _No. He can't do that to me anymore. I'm going to find the Avatar and live my destiny. I no longer belong to him._

-x-

That night haunted Prince Zuko. He was happy to find out that his uncle had escaped prison, but without his help and guidance, he felt lost. What had he done? He would never be welcomed home again. And how could the Avatar accept him as an ally? That girl, the one that traveled with him, the waterbender; he had betrayed her. She had shown him kindness, but when the time came to return the favor, he chose Azula. Not to mention all of times he had tried to capture the young boy. No, he wouldn't be accepted. Zuko was seeking the impossible.

Zuko picked up a stone, rolling it back and forth in his hand, trying to make sense of everything. Then, a sudden bout of laughter shattered his concentration, and he jumped to his feet, fire at the ready. His defenses lowered with the second round of cheering. He dropped back down to his position, rock in hand and knees to his chest. How could they be laughing? After everything that had happened that day, how could the Avatar and his friends still be laughing?

-x-

Prince Zuko was hiding. He wasn't sure where his dad was, and he didn't want to find out. It wasn't the fact that he was scared of his father learning that he was in a fight at school; oh no, winning a fight brought honor to a family, proving power and dominance. No, Zuko wasn't afraid of his teacher's promise to write home to both families.

He was afraid because he had lost.

The prince was currently hiding in the kitchens, under his favorite table, nursing his face. He was a frequent visitor to this particular table, and his friend Mak (who was in fact the head chef in the Fire Lord's home) always made sure to sneak a bowl of noodles to the boy when he noticed his occupance. Mak felt sorry for Zuko, always running to that lonely spot with new bruises and burns. Today was no different; the man wondered what Ozai's son could have done to make him so angry. He found it unusual that Zuko's face had been marked, though not badly, with small cuts and burns. Ozai was careful to never hurt his son's face, in fear that his honor would be questioned by the prying eyes of the school.

Mak watched Zuko sadly as the young child eventually gave up trying to ease his pain with the cool water the kitchens had provided him with. It was clear the kid was no waterbender; by the time his small, cupped hands reached his face, the water had trickled to the floor, leaving a puddle that the prince brushed away, frustrated. Instead, those same hands pressed hard into his eyes before wrapping themselves around his knees. He lowered his head in shame, hiding his mutilated face in the cloth of his robe. His shoulders began to shiver, and Mak knew he was crying.

It was then that another man walked into the kitchens. Mak turned toward the sound frantically, only easing when he realized the intruder was not Ozai, but his brother. "He's here," the chef affirmed, and Zuko scrambled to his feet, horrified, not yet tall enough to reach the table's top.

Upon seeing his uncle, the prince sat back down again, a pout on his face, his back toward the two men. He quickly wiped the tears from his cheeks, but it was futile, as his eyes still watered and his nose still ran.

Iroh sighed and knelt low to fit under the table, next to his nephew. "This might help you, Prince Zuko." The older man offered ice, and Zuko turned to eye it carefully. "It's not poison," Iroh laughed. "I assure you, it will help you."

"I don't need your help," the boy choked, turning away and wiping his face free of tears again.

"Everyone must accept help every now and again, Nephew."

Zuko knocked away the hand that was coming to comfort him. "If you want to help me so bad, then teach me how to firebend! Teach me how to fight! Because I can't - " He held out his hand, palm up, trying as hard as he could to summon some sort of flame. More tears, this time from frustration, leaked from the small boy's eyes, and he covered his face once more in his knees, " - do it," he faltered.

"You are still small, Prince Zuko," Iroh comforted, this time successfully wrapping his arm around his nephew. "You are destined to be a master firebender one day, just like your father."

"What if I can't do it? What if I'm just normal?" Zuko lifted his head and met Iroh's eyes. Iroh was shocked to see how much sadness was already festering there.

"That's foolish chatter. How could the Fire Lord's grandson be anything but - "

"Azula can already do it."

Iroh already knew this. He had long heard about Azula's natural abilities and talents, and he had heard his brother praise the girl endlessly. He was yet to hear something encouraging about Zuko.

"You cannot judge yourself upon the talents of others, Nephew."

Zuko ignored him. "She's bigger than me too. Everyone thinks I'm her _younger_ brother. Dad says she was just born lucky. And when I asked him what I was, he told me I was lucky to be born. He's ashamed of me. I'm small and weak and can't even firebend." Iroh was once again shocked at how much shame and sadness this young boy already had.

Zuko's head was back in his lap, and Iroh's eyes scanned the kitchens, his mind racing, trying to think of a way to cheer his nephew up. Finally, he spotted something.

"Look, Prince Zuko. Look into that corner."

The boy raised his head and scanned each corner of the room, looking confused. "There's nothing here, except for a couple of spider-rats."

"Exactly," Iroh divulged. "And by the looks of the two, I would guess that they were siblings. Watch."

The man reached into his pocket and retrieved a single fire-flake. He threw it to the spider-rats, and Zuko watched, intrigued. The smaller creature dove for the treat and held it tightly in his clutches, but the larger of the two quickly snatched it away.

"How is that supposed to make me feel better, Uncle?" Zuko whined. "The bigger one took advantage of the smaller one, and he won! The smaller one failed, just like me." He tried to put his head down again, but Iroh nudged him to keep watching.

The small spider-rat's nose was twitching, as if he was trying to figure out a scent. It led him to a small crack in the wall, which the creature disappeared into. He emerged with a large lump of cheese, and when he saw his brother coming to steal it, he quickly dove back into the crack. The larger one was unable to fit inside, and before long, turned away, defeated.

"You cannot win every fight, Prince Zuko, just like the spider-rat. But because you are small, you learn to use help, which the bigger and more powerful spider-rat did not. With failure you gain insight and with victory you gain false confidence. You were foolish to challenge that boy at school to a fight you knew you could not win. Now, you must accept help for your actions."

Zuko looked again cautiously to the ice that was beginning to melt in his uncle's lap. He picked up a piece and held it against his cheek, where the other boy had burned him the worst. "Thank you, Uncle."

But suddenly, Iroh's face turned to Ozai's. The spider-rats scurried out of sight, and the kitchen turned into Zuko's bedroom. The boy was hiding beneath his covers, shaking, hoping his father would leave without punishment.

"Let me see you, boy!" Ozai's voice boomed, causing Zuko to shiver more. "Come out of there and face me like a man!"

"He's too embarrassed," Zuko heard Azula mock. She was standing beside his father. "He's too embarrassed because he has a big ugly burn on his face!"

Zuko whimpered, but he didn't emerge from his blanket. He closed his eyes tightly, expecting his father to pick him up and do something awful to him. His body wasn't yet recovered from his last punishment. His father had burnt the tips of his fingers, as to prevent him from using his bare hands to fight. He had been ashamed that Zuko was yet to firebend, and he hoped that if he took away his son's ability to make fists, he would force some fire out of the boy. When Zuko failed to produce flames, he had punched him, hard, in the stomach. Zuko hadn't told his uncle about this specific injury.

But no pain came. Zuko remained under his blanket, shaking, Ozai remained towering above him, and Azula remained by his side, laughing. "You are a disgrace to me. Pathetic. I don't believe you are my son. That tramp mother of yours is going to pay for your mistakes."

"NO!" Zuko did not know what had come over him, but he was suddenly standing on his bed, the blanket thrown to the floor. His hands were out in front of him, palms open. He grunted furiously, trying to summon some sort of fire against his father. Sweat dripped from his temples from the effort, and Ozai laughed.

"Don't - go - near - Mom!" Zuko yelled, thrusting his hands forward with each word.

But Ozai's laughing suddenly turned to Azula's. The once child standing beside her father had become a teenager, but she was huge. Zuko remained his age, cowering on the bed. Lightning filled up the sky, and suddenly, there was Uncle Iroh, hanging from a metal cage. The lightning electrocuted the man, and Zuko was yelling. He began running, but with each step, Azula was just farther away. Somewhere along the way, he had acquired his firebending abilities, but they were no use. Each time he sent a flame towards his sister, it would come back, burning the prince. Azula then turned into the Avatar, who kept yelling at Zuko about how he was a traitor of the world, and he could never learn firebending from such a failure. The Avatar opened his mouth and shot flames from it, but they were unnatural flames. They were alive and heading straight towards Zuko.

When Prince Zuko woke up, he was sweating. He was sitting up with flames in his hand, a glow in his eye. He took in his surroundings, and once more heard the Avatar laugh with his friends. Lowering his gaze to the ground, he extinguished the fire he had created and laid back down, realizing quickly that sleep wouldn't come again that night.


End file.
